What happens when the dust settles? It's kinda eerie how lonely grief feels. It's been 2 months and it feels like yesterday. Now, that the phones calls have stop the texts have all but dried realism sets in. The reality that my son is gone and never coming back takes my breath away. Though I got the gift of memories and time to usher him to God it still feels gut punching.
I feel abandoned and not just by Darren but by most of my village. This is just an honest moment. I feel like Jennifer Hudson screaming "Where ya At?" As I sit here and I'm riddle with sadness and some anger I can still see how God keeps showing me grace and mercy. Yesterday I had a already beaten myself before the sun rose. I had declared that it would be a horrible day and nothing could change that. I then prayed and asked God to comfort me! I asked him to show me that we were still connected and that he wasn't far. An hour later my phone buzzed I didn't didn't check it because it was still quite early, however 30 minutes later it buzzed again this time I opened my phone and God showed up. I had 2 messages that were just from God and he used people that are new and fresh in my life so that I could only know it was a word from him.
A message I keep hearing is let God use you. The little voice inside that is tugging telling you to check on someone or offer a kind word to a stranger in the grocery store that's not a moment you're having that's God using you. Let him use you! Because the alternative could be you missed the opportunity to bless, be blessed and missed your assignment. Don't let fear keep you from doing God's work. 1 thing I know God has gifted me is the spirit of empathy and not questioning the inner voice and my assignments he's given me. Darren was one of the biggest and most precious gifts I've ever received and it is because God told me to open my heart and he will show me the way. Darren needed me and I needed him too. We blessed each other. Today as I dry my eyes I am reminded of his smile and I know what my son endured on this earth was nothing short of unfortunate but all that comes to me is his smile. He smiled through it all and I will continue to honor that bravery that he showed us for 6 1/2 years.
I hope anyone who is reading this can be reminded that someone has something going on in their life take is taking their breath away! The question we could ask ourselves is how can God use me. How can I show up. What seed can I sow back into soil. Have I moved on with my life and forgotten that my people are hurting. Have I become desensitize?
Next week Darren would have turned 12 and I know it will be rough. So I have already been intentional with setting myself up for success with creating spaces and moments where I can feel supported and loved. God, I am asking you to show up in a mighty way for my family. I am asking that you give us everything we need to get through the next week. Please keep sending the rams. Thank you for loving me enough that at my lowest you are never far. Thank you for allowing me to experience Darren Reshad Taylor. Thank you for Jaxon! Thank you for keeping him! Thank you for my support system that is showing up and for the ones that don't know what to do but pray. I ask that you continue to give us grace and mercy. Amen.