Do you know my sacrifice?!?!?!
I fell apart today! Like completely apart!!! I've been in a funk for the last couple of days that I just couldn't shake. I did everything I knew to do but still couldn't shake it. Then it hit me! Those memories on your phone will mess you up! Trigger you even. On Sunday, June 13, was the 1 year mark of Jaxon's baby shower!
Complete sucker punch! I wasn't ready! I wasn't prepared to feel what I'm feeling! Utter devastation! I've been a functioning zombie.....moving around but doing nothing. But right now my mind and body is still I FEEL. I feel lost, I feel anger, I feel robbed, I feel resentment, I feel sadness, I'm grieving.
I wrote a letter to Jaxon a year ago I would like to share:
Baby Boy Jaxon,
We are so excited for your arrival. Excited to see you since you are dead set on not letting us see your face now. Excited to experience you and train you up! Your Dad has planned your whole life! Airplanes, Airplanes, Airplanes! Your GiGi won't stop buying you stuff! As for me, your Mom, well I can't get over the emotions! I'm excited to share all the things I've learned! I've worked so hard on myself and my situation to ensure you do not know struggle. making sure you have the best of me and the best life has to offer. You come from good stock! The blood that flows through you at this very moment is ROYAL! See Jaxon we've done it all. We have beaten the path so you can just BE! Be a child, be inquisitive, be courageous, be fun, be kind, be loving, be smart, be honest, be hardworking, be accountable, BE a GOOD human! We can't wait to see all the wonderful things you accomplish! Next year this time will be chasing you down! Saying stop Jaxon, leave it Jaxon, NO Jaxon! You are pushing Mommy's body to the limit, but the end result always justifies the mean! We will forever be connected! You come from me and I will always be here to love, support and guide!
But God Said NO!
Let that marinate!!! God SAID NO!
The word that rings through the loudest is Sacrifice! I throw that word around so much around my home! Mommy sacrificed her entire life for you and your brother! I gave up everything I knew and worked hard for! How can someone who has willfully sacrificed so much be here! My body, my career, my spirit, my mental health, my physical well being to be here to be Jaxon's and Darren's mom! Darryl's wife. Regina's Daughter. Elnora's baby. You get it! I've given everything I could and this is where I have arrived???
You know what I was told!
For God so loved the world......
Love is a sacrifice...
Grace was free, but it doesn't mean it was cheap....
Don't Cheapen his sacrifice by trying to pay him back...
The ultimate sacrifice was given so that we could keep livin' ....
So, my lesson from all of this is that what I've done was LOVE! The ultimate sacrifice was made so I could be here today! GOD Said NO! God was brewing a miracle a 1 year ago when we celebrated Jaxon's arrival. By God's Grace my family is healed! God's healing us right now! Heal our minds! Heal our bodies! Heal our spirits and guide our way! Nobody can do it but you! I am asking for you to keep showing up and showing out! I'm expecting new miracles everyday! I will believe in myself and what God has told me! I will continue to fight through and show up for myself and my family! If God can get me through, he can do it for you!!!!
P.S. Jaxon's 1st birthday celebration will be massive! We will celebrate 365 days that God said No! NOT this time!!! 362 more than what man said. GOD said watch me work! Ya'll keep watching!!!