Why haven't we normalized being vulnerable? Sounds easy right. Nope. I have started this blog post over and over again because it sounds too vulnerable. Weak even. My mind is saying they don't need to know that today you are struggling that's not what you are here to do.
My hearts says just tell the truth, just be honest. The truth is this shit sucks. Being a caregiver of children sucks! Not a mom! Caregiver, I don't get to wake up and play with my kids, because they have disabilities due to other negligence. I have to first give medicine, take vital signs, prep feeding machines. I have to give 6 to 7 syringes to each one every morning. Morphine even sometimes. Emotionally that exhausting. Today I am in the negative of energy and spirit.
But I feel like that's not acceptable. Why? Why have we normalized hiding? Hiding how we really feel. I am scared that I have 2 children and I don't know what their future holds. I am scared that the anxiety of it all will push my partner away because I'm no longer the fun girl who is bright and bubbly and filled with excitement. I'm really nervous, scared even because everything is so fragile, the state of our nation is still in disarray. Hoping that the next time my husband leaves the house he makes it back because he's a black man. Scared for my Dads, my sons, myself.
This can 't be what God wanted for us! This, this shit we are living in is nightmarish . I'm filled with hurt. Hurt because things that people take for granted I pray for everyday sometimes every waking hour. To one day get a phone call and hear one of my sons' voices. Not noises but their actual voices. Brain injury's stole that from me. Just to hear them say Hi, Mom! I sit here and cry because that should be normal but for me it's not.
I'm scared that if I tell people how I really feel, how I'm really hurting it would be too much for them. Do you hear that? In all this pain and anxiety I am still worried about protecting other people. As I wipe my tears and get ready for the day, I challenge myself and you to have intentional happy moments.
Stop and write down 1 little thing that gave you so much joy this week and let's share it and talk about it. Eyes dried, God's amour now on. No one knew that at 6:15 AM I was falling apart. That I didn't think I could continue, but GOD said NO. He renews my spirit every morning. I still get to look and hold my boys and some moms didn't wake up to that gift. I still get to call my mom and grandma and that's a blessing. I get to go kiss my husband, bad breath and all. and To know in our climate today having my black husband, kids, dads, brothers safe, it's a blessing.
So, shoulders back, chin up, prayer done, invisible superhero cape tied. I'm ready to love and give all I have one more time!