May: A Month of Transformations & Triggers.... Celebrations Without the Ones to Celebrate… and the Weight We Carry

May used to feel like joy.

Milestones.

Sunshine.

Clapping loud.

Showing up full.

Now?

May feels like celebrations…

without the ones you were supposed to celebrate.

Mother’s Day…

but your arms don’t hold what they used to.

Graduations…

but the name you’re waiting to hear won’t be called.

Because while the world is celebrating what is…

you are carrying what should have been.

When May Meets Grief

May doesn’t ask you if you’re ready.

It just comes.

With its invitations.

With its announcements.

With its reminders.

And grief?

Grief doesn’t sit quietly.

It walks in with you.

Sits beside you.

Interrupts moments that were supposed to feel light.

And suddenly…

you’re not just in May.

You’re in memory.

In longing.

In love that has nowhere to land.

Triggers Are Everywhere

I tried to show up.

The movies…

a moment that should have been simple.

But my son, Jaxon—my J-A-X-O-N—

loved that music.

So what looked normal to others

became sacred for me.

I tried again.

A comedy show.

Because people say laughter helps.

But laughter doesn’t always land gently

when your heart is already bruised.

And I held it together in public…

only to cry the whole way home.

“God… this cannot be what the rest of my days look like.”

Grace & Mercy Still Meet Me

“My grace is sufficient for you…”

— 2 Corinthians 12:9

Grace didn’t remove the moment.

Mercy didn’t cancel the trigger.

But I wasn’t alone in it.

And sometimes…

being held is the miracle.

What Should Have Been

Jaxon would have been graduating kindergarten.

I saved everything for it.

Last May, I planned a Pre-K celebration.

This May…

there will be no kindergarten graduation.

Darren would have been becoming—

Prom.

College.

Life unfolding.

And I can see it…

while standing in the absence of it.

Holding Both

You can be happy for others…

and devastated for yourself.

At the same time.

You can clap…

while your heart quietly breaks.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

— Romans 12:15

Sometimes you are both people in that verse.

When Life Feels Like a Chore

Things I used to enjoy…

feel like assignments now.

Showing up takes effort.

Not because I don’t want joy—

but because I’m learning how to live

with a heart that has been stretched by loss.

The Pressure to Push Through

Let’s talk about it—

Who decided that pushing through everything

is what strength looks like?

Push through what?

Pain that hasn’t been processed?

Moments your heart wasn’t ready for?

Because when I push through

when I know I don’t have it—

it feels like self-sabotage.

So if I don’t have it?

You might have to count me out.

Not because I don’t love you—

but because I’m learning to love me too.

“Come to me… and I will give you rest.”

— Matthew 11:28

Living in Two Timelines

The world is in May.

But my heart?

Still visits November.

That’s not failure.

That’s grief doing its work.

When Relationships Change

Some relationships don’t survive grief.

And that hurts too.

But the ones that stay?

They get deeper.

More honest.

More intentional.

“Bear one another’s burdens…”

— Galatians 6:2

The Blessing of a Village

This week?

I broke.

But I was never alone.

My mom showed up.

My friends stepped up.

My husband, Darryl, stepped up.

My heart mom & Bonus Mom stepped up.

My faith stepped up.

My village carried me

when I couldn’t carry myself.

The Truth That Lives in Both Places

Jaxon deserved heaven.

Darren deserved heaven.

Mr. John deserved heaven.

I believe that.

But their absence here?

Is devastating.

Faith tells me where they are.

Love reminds me they’re not here.

And I live in both.

The Weight Women Carry

And now…

let me say what’s been sitting heavy on my chest—

The weight.

The weight of being a woman.

The weight of being everything

to everybody.

To work.

To cook.

To clean.

To parent.

To love.

To show up.

To hold it all together.

To be soft… but strong.

Gentle… but resilient.

Broken… but still functioning.

And when grief enters?

That weight doesn’t get lighter.

It gets heavier.

Because now you’re carrying loss

on top of responsibility.

And some days…

my shoulders feel it.

The tightness.

The tension.

The silent grinding of teeth at night.

Because women?

We carry so much

and still expect ourselves to perform.

Women Are Not Weak

Let me correct something right now:

Women are not weak.

We are the strongest beings walking this planet.

We create life.

We nurture life.

We hold families together.

We carry generations on our backs.

And even in grief?

We still love.

Even in loss?

We still show up.

Even when we’re breaking?

We still try.

That’s not weakness.

That’s power.

And Yet… The World Forgets

And still…

women are overlooked.

dismissed.

disrespected.

Expected to keep going

without being poured into.

Expected to carry everything

without collapsing.

And I’m saying this with my whole heart—

We deserve better.

We deserve to be seen.

To be honored.

To be supported.

Because when a woman is cared for…

everything connected to her thrives.

How Do We Relieve the Weight?

So what do we do

when the world feels like it’s sitting on our shoulders?

We start here:

We stop pretending we’re not heavy.

We say it out loud—

“I don’t have it today.”

We rest.

We receive help.

We lean on our village.

We let ourselves be carried too.

Because even the strongest woman…

was never meant to carry everything alone.

What I’m Learning

I’m learning that strength

is not pushing through everything.

It’s knowing when to put something down.

I’m learning that love for others

doesn’t mean abandoning myself.

I’m learning that being a woman…

just being…

is powerful.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted…”

— Psalms 34:18

Close enough to hold me

when I can’t hold it all.

For the Woman Carrying Too Much

If your shoulders feel heavy…

If you feel like you’re holding the world together

while falling apart inside…

If you’re grieving

and still expected to show up like nothing happened—

Hear me:

You are not weak.

You are not failing.

You are carrying more than most could handle.

And just being here?

Still loving.

Still breathing.

Still trying—

That is power.

May is a month of transformations and triggers.

And I feel it.

The grief.

The love.

The weight.

But I’m still here.

Still showing up.

Still learning how to carry what I can…

and release what I can’t.

Still becoming.

And even in this…

There is still purpose.

There is still grace.

There is still mercy.

And there is still…

the power of a woman

who refuses to disappear

even when she feels heavy.

ST~ Hope Dealer