I AM HIS!

HIS. PERIOD.

I know who I am.

God said I’m His.

Period.

A revelation happened today.

I always knew how to be Jaxon’s mom. I knew how to be Darren’s mom.

And I will admit something that has been hard for me to even understand myself:

I have struggled with being Nolin’s mom.

Not because I don’t love him. I love that baby with everything in me.

But I have never been the mother of a neurotypical child.

I don’t know this kind of motherhood.

I knew how to be the mother who advocated. The mother who watched. The mother who learned everything. The mother who protected. The mother who knew something was wrong before anybody else knew something was wrong. I knew how to be Mama Lion.

But this?

I asked for this experience.

I asked God for it.

And now it’s here.

Nolin is here.

And grief will do some things to you.

Grief will give you brain fog.

Grief will give you a broken heart.

Grief will have you feeling all kinds of things at the same time.

Grief will have you trying to remember something you already knew.

But God restores what is broken.

He restores.

Not me.

Not Gorilla Glue.

Not Darryl.

Not my parents.

He“He restoreth my soul.”— Psalm 23:3

Jehovah.

Abba.

El Roi.

Jehovah Gibbor.

Comforter.

Father.

He has many names.

And depending on what I need, I have called Him by many of them.

But one thing He has not done is fail.

One thing He has not done is lie.

“God is not a man, that he should lie.”— Numbers 23:19

So I know what He showed me.

I know what I felt.

And although it has never felt like what He showed me, I know He cannot, will not, and shall not tell a lie.

That is where I have to stand.

Because sometimes what God showed me and what I was actually looking at did not match.

And I have wrestled with that.

I have wondered.

I have questioned.

I have looked around at my life and thought, God, this does not look like what You showed me.

But He didn’t lie.

So I have to stop trying to make everything make sense before I trust what He said.

Some things belong to Him.

And somewhere along the way, while I’ve been running around here being quiet, being still, seeking refuge in different places, looking for comfort, trying to find somewhere that felt safe enough to put all of this down—

I forgot something.

He is the ultimate Comforter.

I can have people.

I can love people.

I can need people.

I can appreciate people.

But they are still people.

They cannot do what God does.

So clear out the distractions.

Clear out the noise.

Because sometimes God has to get everything else quiet enough for you to hear Him say something you should have never forgotten.

And today, like Mufasa said to Simba in The Lion King:

Remember who you are.

That hit me differently.

Because I have been running around in the wilderness trying to figure it out.

Trying to be Mama Lion.

Trying to be this.

Trying to be that.

Trying to figure out which version of me I am supposed to be now after so much has changed.

And God came and said:

Remember who you are.

Shantrael.

Check your chin.

Hold your head up high.

I got this.

I got you.

I got Darryl.

I got Nolin.

And then I had to break it all the way down to preschool language for myself.

He has the whole world in His hands.

He has the whole world in His hands.

He has the whole world in His hands.

The whole world.

And I am part of the world.

I’m in that number.

Nolin is in that number.

Darryl is in that number.

So if He has the whole world in His hands, then He has us too.

Sometimes faith really is that simple.

I had made it complicated because life had gotten complicated.

But God didn’t change because my life changed.

He didn’t stop being God because I started grieving.

He didn’t stop being God because my health changed.

He didn’t stop being God because relationships changed.

He didn’t stop being God because people changed.

He didn’t stop being God because I couldn’t understand what He was doing.

He is still God.

And I am still His.

I’ve had some health issues.

I’ve had some things going on.

And there have been days when I have honestly wondered why it feels like every weapon formed against me shall prosper.

Yes.

I know what the Scripture says.

“No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper.”— Isaiah 54:17

I know it says no weapon.

But I’m talking about what it has felt like.

It felt like the weapons were prospering.

I knew I felt attacked.

I didn’t know what I felt beyond that.

Because when enough things happen back-to-back, you can know the Word and still be standing there wondering:

God, what is happening?

But today He restored something.

And I know exactly who I am.

Not because every weapon disappeared.

Not because every situation changed.

Not because everything suddenly looks like what He showed me.

I know who I am because He reminded me who I belong to.

“I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.”— Isaiah 43:1

I am Shantrael Trinae Taylor.

His. Period.

Everything else is merely but a moment.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t important.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

That doesn’t mean I don’t grieve.

That doesn’t mean people don’t matter.

But none of those things get to become more permanent than what God said about me.

I am His first.

Period.

And I have lost a lot.

There is no way around that sentence.

I have lost a lot.

And when you ask God to reveal who should be in your life, who is for you, what should not be for you, and what should not go forward with you—

be ready for what that looks like.

Be ready.

Be ready for what that looks like.

Because asking for revelation is one thing.

Receiving the answer is another.

If you are bold enough and righteous enough and hungry enough to ask God that question, then you have to be bold enough, righteous enough, and hungry enough to receive the answers.

And sometimes the answer will hurt.

Sometimes the answer will surprise you.

Sometimes the answer will be something you didn’t want to know.

Sometimes God will show you exactly what you asked Him to show you, and then you have to decide whether you really meant it when you said you trusted Him.

I asked.

And He answered.

It took a little while for me to understand what I was looking at.

I mean, look at what I’ve lost.

But I haven’t lost everything.

I have not lost everything.

Darren is asleep.

Jaxon is asleep.

Mr. John is asleep.

But I’m awake.

Nolin is awake.

Darryl is awake.

That means we have things to do.

There is more purpose to fulfill.

We are still on assignment.

And while I’m on assignment, I may get a B.

Sometimes I’ll get a C.

I think most of the time I can get an A.

But I will not fail because He doesn’t fail.

And He made me in His image.

“So God created man in his own image.”— Genesis 1:27

I don’t have to be perfect to stay on assignment.

I just have to stay on assignment.

That is different.

And I get to love on my cub.

Nolin.

I get to learn this.

I get to learn what it means to be the mother of a neurotypical child.

I get to experience something I once asked God to let me experience.

I get to be his mommy.

And I get to carry my other cubs with me.

Darren does not disappear because I am moving forward.

Jaxon does not disappear because I am moving forward.

I don’t have to leave them behind to live.

I carry them.

And I can look back.

Actually, I need to look back sometimes.

When you’re driving and you’re getting ready to move into the next lane, you look back.

You check the mirror.

You check the blind spot.

Because that blind-spot light will flash if you’re getting over on someone.

So yes, I’m going to look back.

I’m going to check behind me.

I’m going to check my blind spots.

I’m going to remember what happened.

I’m going to remember what God showed me.

I’m going to remember what I learned.

I’m going to make sure I’m clear.

And then when it is time—

I’m moving into the next lane.

Looking back does not mean going backward.

I’m ready.

And ready does not mean I think storms won’t come.

They will.

Ready doesn’t mean I won’t have another hard day.

I will.

Ready doesn’t mean grief won’t show up again.

It will.

But He has given me everything I need to weather this season.

He has given me what I need to fight this fight.

And I have to remember:

A battle is not the war.

A loss in a battle is not the end of the war.

A win in a battle is not the end of the war.

Stay the course.

That is the assignment.

Stay the course.

Be true to who I have always been.

My heart posture has always been strong.

My character cannot be assassinated.

And my love for God will not ever stop.

After everything I have seen.

After everything I have lost.

After every question.

After every moment when what He showed me looked nothing like what I was living—

I still love God.

And more importantly, I am still His.

So—

Father.

Abba.

Jehovah.

El Roi.

Jehovah Gibbor.

Comforter.

All the names I have called You because I have needed You in all the ways You have revealed Yourself to me—

thank You.

Thank You for restoring me to my rightful position.

Thank You for reminding me that I do not have to become anybody.

I have to remember who I already am.

Thank You for reminding me that You have the whole world in Your hands.

And I am in that number.

Thank You for Nolin.

Thank You for Darryl.

Thank You for Darren.

Thank You for Jaxon.

Thank You for Mr. John.

Thank You for those who are asleep.

Thank You for those of us who are awake.

Thank You that as long as I am awake, there is still purpose.

There is still assignment.

There is still something for me to do.

And thank You for reminding me of the one thing grief, loss, sickness, disappointment, people, circumstances, and time cannot change:

I know who I am.

I am Shantrael Trinae Taylor.

His.

Period.

Everything else is merely but a moment.

Check your chin.

Hold your head up high.

He has the whole world in His hands.

And I’m in that number.

We ready.

~HIS, Thank you for the reminder ABBA!!!